My Dream Guy Criteria - 20's Edition

Do you have a Dream Guy? And I don’t mean Ryan Gosling or Wentworth Miller (look him up, I call dibs), but do you have a hypothetical perfect guy pieced together with the best parts of every man you've ever known? I do.

These days, my list is pretty fluid (Thanks DC for my ever-plummeting standards) but when I was younger, I had pages upon pages of “ideal husband” material I was convinced I couldn’t live without.

Today, I stumbled upon an old journal entry listing my dream guy criteria from when I was 12 and I realized... not much has changed. I still want funny and smart and kind and tall, but I do feel like I need to edit it to eliminate the superficial items (tween me was adamant about finding a man with light eyes…today I’ll settle for brown) and add the newly important (good grammar – absolute must).

My dream guy and I better have some intense textual chemistry. I want funny, offensive, frequent text banter and I want it now. If I send something hilariously awesome, I better not get an “LOL” in response. In fact, “lol” in any forum is grounds for me never talking to you again. True story.

I also don’t want text updates detailing every mundane second of your day. I don’t care about your dentist appointment. I don't care about the weather. I want your droll observations about the randos pretentiously reading The Economist on their way to work. Or I want a link to your favorite overly attached gf meme on reddit. Is that too much to ask?

Is texting incompatibility a deal breaker? For me, yes. Here’s why: I see it as an indicator of life compatibility. Why would I want to be with someone who judges me for texting an inordinate amount when I have a lot to say? Or why would I want to be bombarded with boring updates I don't even want to read? Social connectivity via tech devices obviously isn't going away, so it's really just another medium for establishing and nurturing a relationship.

If you're not on my level, it's not gonna work.

The Early Stages of Dating

When you first start seeing someone, everything is rosy and good and nothing is dark and bad, and there are no tears or drama or jealousy. It’s the lovely, simple time before you even have your own feelings figured out.

You don’t want to seem needy and clingy and overly-attached, but suddenly all your friends seem lackluster and your new beau is the zenith of all that is fun and amazing in the universe and you just want to non-creepily spend every spare second in their company. So you make plans. First it’s happy hour, then food, then maybe a movie. Then it becomes all these inane activities. Let’s go rock climbing, let’s try trapezing. Ever hiked in the Shenandoah’s? LET’S DO IT.

Because when a relationship is first getting off the ground, you’re hopelessly reliant on organized activities to give your time together some structure. The gist of the plan is essentially meaningless, but there’s an unwritten rule that you’ve got to have one. Both parties must at least pretend there's an underlying reason for meeting up besides possibly wanting to exchange DNA.

So the Big Date is scheduled and details confirmed but fro-yo becomes dinner which turns into drinks which leads to morning coffee and suddenly you’ve powered through all the classic date night activities in a single whirlwind evening and you find yourself sprawled on a couch watching re-runs of sitcoms wishing you’d spaced things out just a little bit better. It’s like speed dating except with one person instead of a roomful of singles.

And now things aren't rosy and good or dark and bad but some kind of murky pinkish middle ground.

Is this (just) real life?

Dunzo.

Some say the opposite of love is indifference, but what about pure, unadulterated hate? What about a blinding desire to literally dismember the person you once might have loved even if you never said it out loud?

What if you want to slap the smarmy, smirking smile off his face with a smack so hard his cheek turns scarlet and your hand sears with heat but it doesn’t matter because the pain is entirely worth it? And he mostly deserves it.

What if you finally (kind of, maybe) understand where Chris Brown was coming from. It’s not his abusive behavior you condone by any means, but rather, you finally recognize the level of bubbling, aching hatred we can feel for other human beings.

And then it turns off like a switch. Just gone. You don’t love, you don’t hate, you don’t care. You’re released from something you didn’t even realize you were still connected to.

It’s over, it’s over, it’s over. Not even this mantra can convey your relief. It sure took a while - certainly longer than you’d like to admit - but all good things must come to an end.

Boyfriends and Bus Routes

Romantic encounters have exposed me to my city in an entirely new way. I’ve ventured to happy hours uptown, apartments downtown, bedrooms in northeast, and showers in southeast. I’ve traveled by car and bus and train. I’ve brunched on shake shack burgers at 10 am, inhaled greasy jumbo slices at 11 pm. Waffles on Sundays, bagels on Mondays. Barhopping and bedhopping and headaches and mucky morning mouths.

It occurred to me the other day that dating is the best way to get familiar with a city. It’s kind of like attaining fluency in a foreign language by becoming romantically involved with a local. Pillow talk has a way of improving one’s vocabulary…

Growing up in my northwest bubble did little to prepare me for the quirks of DC’s remaining quadrants, so the past few years have been particularly eye-opening. When I first moved back after school, I felt like a clueless tourist following my friends onto different modes of public transportation. I was bewildered, but they knew what was up.

Now, in the throes of post-college, single life, I finally feel like I have a sense of DC’s neighborhoods. Cross-city commuting can be viciously stressful when improperly executed, so mastering WMATA is really just a sensible hook-up strategy.

In school, it's all so easy. Everyone worth kissing is a stone's throw away. In the real world, the cute guys are often geographically undesirable. But here's my advice: Ride the bus. Get to know your city. Use a condom.

I’m Having a “Who Am I?” Moment

I realize more and more that you can’t please everyone. No matter how hard you try to be the person you think someone else wants you to be, if you’re trying, you’re probably already failing.

These days, I find that, depending on who I’m spending time with, be it my sister, best friend, or boyfriend-of-the-moment, I subconsciously start to mimic those around me.

When I’m with my guy friends, I play the part of the “cool” girl who mocks silly, psycho women who take men too seriously. When I’m with my girl friends, I’m all “guys suck, here’s why” and moan their very existence. Around my parents, I project an image of sweet wholesomeness but then immediately strip that off to morph into an emotionally turbulent 20-something when I’m around those my own age. I’m healthy at work – making vegan lunches and snacking on nuts and seeds, only to chug beer and devour chocolate in the company of those who couldn’t care less about eating well.

And it gets worse.

My laugh will change to resemble the laugh of the person I’m laughing with. My voice will adjust to echo the pitch and timbre of the person I’m talking to. My words and opinions edit and shift to more closely match those of the company I keep.

99% of the time, I’m not even aware that I’m doing these things. But now I realize I regularly abandon pieces of myself and snatch up what I believe to be the best parts of others. In the moment, I never feel like I’m losing my sense of self or aiming to please. It doesn’t feel like I’m projecting “like me like me like me” into the universe, but maybe that's exactly what I'm doing.

Maybe I’ve been like Gretel dropping pieces of myself like breadcrumbs.

Now that I’m aware of this, this continual loss of self, does that make it a crime to continue? Should I be more tuned in to those times when my voice lowers or my laugh quickens? Should I quit it cold turkey? Or, should I just accept that who I am is contingent on those around me?

I think I adjust my demeanor to allow personal relationships room to flourish. I just hope I’m not sabotaging myself in my quest to please.

I don’t want to be the sum of other people’s actions. I want to be who I am based on what I think and what I feel. But sometimes, I’m not even sure what that is anymore.

In The Mood for a Drive?

I haven't been on a true family car trip in ages and boy it sure makes us regress.

I'm suddenly belting out show tunes with my mom while my sis rolls her eyes and my dad calmly ignores us to focus on the road twisting for miles ahead of us. He loves his girls but sometimes, admittedly, we can be a bit much.

Seven hours is a long time to be around anyone let alone the crazies who share your DNA.

So the purpose of this trip is not entirely positive but we are making the best of it. It's all very little-miss-sunshine and we are getting a kick out of that. My sister hopped in, buckled up, and promptly fell asleep. I opted to ignore my parents for the first hour and immersed myself in a new book. My mom became navigator - struggling with our outdated gps (that British bitch keeps losing her connection and orders us to "make a u turn")... But my dad just drives. He's good at getting us safely where we need to go.

Our fifth passenger is what makes this trip bittersweet.

My grandpa's ashes are perched between me and my sister in the backseat. He's sealed up in something that looks a lot like the Tupperware in my kitchen which is both odd and comforting. Despite the inevitable sadness of the upcoming funeral and memorial services this week, we know he would want us to find the humor in this situation. It's too bizarre not to appreciate.

It's a long trip but it's not so bad.

Pandora is providing us with endless Taylor Swift ditties (thank god for tswift) and chocolate drizzle popcorn and grapes keep us happily hunger-free.

I think sometimes the best moments just sneak up on you. Right now my legs might be cramped and my bladder might be full, but there's something sweet and wholesome about being cooped up with your family. It's too bad it takes loss for us all to spend time together like this but I know it's what my grandfather would've wanted.

There's a lotta love packed into this little honda right now.

You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Blog is About You (Ha!)

When it rains, it pours.

It’s odd how you can feel like such a cookie cutter cliché of a lonely, single girl one day and then suddenly it’s like you’re fighting guys off left and right, scheduling back-to-back date nights, and surreptitiously replying to texts from potential love interests under the table mid-way through Sunday night dinner with your parents.

All of a sudden, you’re giving off some sexed-up, “you can’t have me” vibe and people sense you’re a hot commodity. While just a day earlier you would’ve pictured yourself grocery shopping and folding laundry on Sunday afternoon, instead you find yourself happily ignoring Nicholas Cage movies while a guy plants kisses on the nape of your neck.

…And then the Texts from Boyfriends Past start pouring in.

Almost as if they have some kind of radar that notifies them when they are slowly being forgotten about; the sexts, the awkward comments, the four consecutive ichat bubbles about unimportant nothingness. These were the texts I desperately needed three days ago when I wanted some reminder that I was missed – that I mattered. But my phone was obnoxiously silent. Until now, of course. Until I couldn’t care less.

I’ve never thought of myself as the type who needed “closure”.  I always liked the idea of being friends with an ex. But now, I’m doubtful. Why hold on to someone who didn’t treat you the way you deserved? Even if the split itself was amicable enough it doesn’t mean you need the toxic emotional angst that can accompany prolonged contact with an old flame.

Just let me be happy.

Five Lies My Parents Told Me

1. Sex. 
When I was little, I asked my parents what sex was after I heard my friend shout the word at the top of his lungs one day on the playground. My mom took me aside and explained that sex was a very special kiss between mommies and daddies that felt wonderful and made babies so that's why people did it. Well, imagine my surprise when I discovered it was a hell of a lot grosser than kissing, usually felt pretty mediocre, and rarely happened between mommies and daddies. In fact, that's probably the most overused joke in today's shitty sitcoms. Sorry honey, not tonight - cue the laugh track, bah dum, cha!

2. You can be anything you want to be. 
This one is a constant source of frustration for me. Yes, when you're young you can be anything you want to be and I wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. But then, once you hit puberty, you literally, physically cannot become an Olympic gymnast anymore. Like, you go to the Olympics when you're 12, you don't begin training then. So here I am, 24 and completely disillusioned by the parents who led me to believe I could pursue any dream at any time. I didn't realize there was a time limit to my dreams!! Now I'm obviously too old to be anything I want to be. Also! When I was a kid, I didn't understand that people were different races. I coveted my neighborhood friend's dark skin and wanted to be just like her. I now realize I will never be a black person. I mean, I guess I could try to tan my way to bronzed hotness, but I'd probably just wind up with a giant freckle blob and then peel. Gross. I guess I'm stuck being white for life. Thanks a lot, MOM.

3. You are beautiful. 
My parents always told me I was beautiful because I was a very cute child and it was a nice thing to say absentmindedly while tucking me in at night. Today, I realize I am not. There is a pretty obvious distinction between beauty and cuteness - a concept that current culture ensures is drilled into the minds of everyone with an X chromosome. Beauty is Frida Pinto. Beauty is Penelope Cruz. Beauty is Mila Kunis. Cute is freckles. Cute is round cheeks. Cute is me. I've come to terms with this now that I'm in my 20's and frequently mistaken for a 14-year-old, but it took some serious hits to my ego to knock me down a few pegs. I pretty much spent the better part of a decade thinking I was way hotter than I was. Awkward.

4. Santa is real. 
This is probably the most pervasive lie that parents in America tell their children. I grew up sort of non-Christian bordering on Jewish and celebrated Hanukkah from time to time so it's not like my parents had any obligation to go along with the elaborate lie of Christmas. I would have been perfectly happy receiving my gifts like any other normal child without the fantastical tale of a fat guy in a red suit lording over his elfin sweatshop. I don't even remember exactly when I discovered the truth about this holiday, but I don't recall being particularly upset. If anything, I just felt a little betrayed that mom and dad didn't think they could be real with me. Besides, I definitely didn't care about Santa as long as the tooth fairy was real. (I found $4 on my bedside table after I got my wisdom teeth taken out last year which I accept as substantial proof that she exists.)

5. He's only mean to you because he likes you. 
Yeah....he was mean to me because he actually hated me. Like, we were not friends. Oh and this carries over to grown-up life too. When guys are assholes, it's not because they have a crush on you. It's because they don’t want to sleep with you. Message received.

Day 3 on a Juice Cleanse

It’s amazing what a difference a day makes! Yesterday I felt drugged, like I ought not to be operating heavy machinery, but today I feel... perfectly normal and alert and great.

My coworkers tell me I’m glowing but I’m dubious because I gave up wearing make-up (and lotion and deodorant, shhh don’t tell!) as part of my personal detoxification regimen. I figured I wasn’t exactly sure how these alleged toxins planned to escape my body so I didn’t want to impede them in any way by plugging up my pores.

Day 3 of the BluePrintCleanse was the best of the whole program. I’m not sure if that’s because I know it’s all over soon, or if I really do feel rejuvenated. I don’t feel hungry, I don’t have a headache, I went to the gym in the morning, AND the juice drinking seems like less of a burden. Green Juice after my workout felt way simpler than making eggs or oatmeal or my other, non-cleanse breakfasts.

Also, I’m down 5 lbs. This is unheard of for me. I assume this is mostly due to water weight but even so, I haven’t seen this number on my scale in months. My stomach also looks much flatter. I took “before pictures” which showed a little belly pooch but this morning when I woke up I had almost an entirely flat midsection. So, from a vanity perspective, the cleanse works…

Two major factors kept me going: 1. the cost of the cleanse (why waste $200 on juices you don’t drink?) and 2. accountability (the very public blogging each day forced me to complete the three-day detox cycle – even when I really wanted to cave). Both of these were crucial for my personal success. I would recommend anyone curious about cleansing to commit to it this way. Tell your friends/family/coworkers/etc what you’re about to do (let them call you crazy – it will inevitably happen) and it will be much harder for you to back out.

A few notable things: My lips didn’t feel chapped at all during the three days (even without my usual chap stick application) which makes me think I was perfectly hydrated throughout. My skin was clear, which is a good sign, but my circulation felt inadequate. My fingers got freezing and turned white after holding a cup filled with ice for just a few minutes.

Overall, I like how very black and white the cleanse is. I never worried “can I eat this?”, “should I eat that?” I just followed directions and drank juices. Not that complicated. Also, there was no prep required on my part (in terms of purchasing fruits and veggies or juicing things myself). I placed an order online and the cleanse arrived on my chosen delivery date. So simple. 

And now that I’m in the home stretch, I’m feeling pretty proud of myself. I can be kind of a Type B, occasional underachiever so the fact that I successfully stuck with this for 3 days is something of a personal triumph.

Day 2 on a Juice Cleanse

Day 2 is undeniably the hardest day of the cleanse because it’s sandwiched in between the first and final day. On Day 1, all the juices were interesting - an experience, if you will - and by Day 3, I imagine I’ll be looking forward to winding down, but Day 2 feels endless.

I slept well (got up twice to use the bathroom but slept soundly from 9 pm – 6:30 am). And headed to the gym for a light workout (about 30 minutes on the elliptical followed by resistance work). I felt a little weak during cardio but powered through and drank plenty of water. When it was time for my oh-so-delicious breakfast (Green Juice) I poured it over ice and drank it as quickly as possible.

My stomach rumbled a bit throughout the morning but I don’t feel starving. I'm not 100% focused (I would not feel comfortable, say, giving a presentation at work right now) but I’m perfectly comfortable and not too cranky. Mostly, I just feel bored. I appreciate not having to think about food, but obviously, eating behaviors are so ingrained in our culture that I just feel anti-social with my juices. I think that’s the most difficult part about this cleanse. If my roommate or friends or coworkers were going through this with me, it would be a lot easier to stay focused on the goal and indifferent towards normal food routines. Without support, it's hard.

Around noon I feel like I’m crashing. Despite the P.A.M. Juice, I’m so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open. It helps to write about it if only to distract myself and give me something to do other than bite my nails or gnaw on the inside of my mouth. I daydream at my desk about going home, getting in bed, and sleeping my way through the next day and a half of this cleanse. Not realistic for those of us with desk jobs but maybe that’s how the celebrities get through it? On to Green Juice Part II now.

My temperature keeps fluctuating. Not sure if that’s typical of a detox but I’m hot then cold then freezing then fine. I keep taking my sweater on and off. Could just be the air in my office, but it seems worse than usual.

Bam. Made it through #4 – Spicy Lemonade. Poured it over ice again and it was actually tasty. My headache got worse though and the fact that there is no end in sight makes me pretty grouchy. Time for beet juice. Wahoo.

C.A.B. Juice is fine. Mostly my body just feels unhappy. My stomach is gurgling weirdly (is it hungry? Is it hurting? Is it confused?) and I have a splitting headache. Day two is every bit as hard as I envisioned. I’m not sure if all this is normal or if I have less willpower than the people who normally do cleanses. This is just a very strange way to go about life. Very isolating.

Sixth and final juice of the day and I’m officially 67% done with this cleanse.  I went for a walk with a friend after work which tired me out so despite how gross the Cashew Milk was on Day 1, I found myself looking forward to it today. Breast milk never tasted so good. My body was craving the thicker, sweeter consistency of Juice 6 and I found that I could almost pretend I was chewing if I let some of the grainier cashew pieces linger near my molars before gulping it down.

My body feels exhausted but sleep comes easily. Can't wait for Day 3. Let's wind this thing down!

Day 1 on a Juice Cleanse

Let's do this journal-style!

Juice 1 (GREEN JUICE) tastes like lemony grassy apple juice. It smells much worse than it tastes. Despite the cute, non-threatening bottle, it’s just so much darn liquid - took me about an hour to get it all down. I put it over ice in a fun, yellow cup so I didn’t have to see just how green it was and the ice kept it cold for the hour-long sipping sesh. Also, the cubes were a much welcomed crunchy treat at the end.

Juice 2 (P.A.M.) is delicious! I’d drink this on a regular day instead of iced tea. It’s a refreshing combo of pineapple, apple, and mint. Unfortunately, it’s also got 45 g of sugar! I know it’s “natural” sugar and not artificially added, but still. That seems like a lot, and just knowing what’s in it makes my teeth feel a bit grimy. (Bathroom break). No seriously, it’s crazy how many trips I’ve taken so far. Before noon I racked up 6 visits down the hall. Really putting a damper on my productivity. Also, feeling a bit unfocused and distracted. Not hungry exactly but not un-hungry. Tired and spacey. My tongue doesn’t feel great after the last juice. Sipping water gives me some relief but it just makes me have to use the restroom and frankly, I’m tired of getting up to pee every ten minutes. Feeling discouraged and haven’t even made it halfway through day 1.

Juice 3 (GREEN JUICE - again!). This one is rough getting through. I’m tired of beverages. Really starting to think of the cleanse thing as a way for celebrities to publicly starve themselves with minimal backlash. I don’t feel “full of energy!” or “glowing!” I feel tired and kind of weak.

Juice 4 (SPICY LEMONADE) has definitely got some zip! It’s surprisingly light and tasty and not too sweet, which I like. I should probably increase my water intake but the juices are so much liquid on their own, the thought of adding a glass of water in between each one seems impossible. At this point in the day, I’ve now made nine trips to the bathroom which I’d say is about triple my usual count. The time spent away from my desk in the restroom though is regained by not taking a lunch break or running across the street to buy snacks. In fact, the only time I’ve been away from my desk today has been bathroom breaks and one neighborhood walk. So maybe I’m being more productive after all. Getting nervous for Juice 5…

Juice 5 (C.A.B) is bright pink! If you like beets, it’s pretty tasty and luckily I LOVE beets but it’s also got a great gingery kick. A pleasant shift from the spicy lemonade. I’m not hungry anymore either. That completely vanished around 4 pm. I feel a tad bit shaky though and my mouth feels weird. I’m not thirsty exactly but my saliva feels different than usual. Kind of a gross thing to notice but it’s the biggest change (besides non-stop bathroom breaks) that I’ve noticed.

Juice 6 (CASHEW MILK) was the drink I was most looking forward to because I'd heard such great things. I'm going to be honest - it tasted like breast milk. Or at least, how I imagine breast milk would taste. I gagged my way through it and only managed to choke it down after putting it over ice and not breathing through my nose (the smell was the worst). I'm not a big milk fan and I'm totally grossed out by soy milk and almond milk so I'm not sure why I thought I'd like this but it just seemed like it would be a nice change of pace. Unfortunately, I was imagining milkshake deliciousness and this was merely sweetish, mucus-y nut water.

Having tried all six juices now, I'm curious which ones will be "favorites" and which ones I'll dread tomorrow. I have to say, the green juice was a lot better than I would have expected (maybe the key to this cleanse is low expectations...) but I'm not exactly looking forward to drinking it for breakfast tomorrow. Maybe if I get hungry enough, it'll start to seem crave-able.

Overall, I'd say it was an exciting first day with many strange feelings and tastes. I feel hungry but not starving. I'm not headache-y, but I was yawning more than usual on my drive home and I crawled into bed around 7:45 pm (with the last of my cashew milk). I'm curious to see how well I'll sleep during the cleanse and if I have energy to wake up and go to the gym as usual.

Oh - and perhaps most interesting... when I weighed myself before bed on Day 1, I was a full pound heavier. Definitely surprising.

More updates tomorrow!

Intro to a Juice Cleanse

Today I kick off my three day cleanse. I opted for the BluePrintCleanse (BPC), Renovation, or Level 1, because this is my first time venturing into the world of juices and I didn’t want to bite off more than I could chew (or sip?)

I’m nervous because, honestly, I don’t really like juice. I know the BPC drinks most likely won’t taste like your average glass of Tropicana, but I’m just not a big fan of beverages other than water.

Also, I love food! Maybe too much. Maybe ten pounds in two years too much. So, one goal of this cleanse is to jumpstart healthier eating habits and keep my total calorie consumption in check (at least for the next couple of days).

I followed the pre-cleanse directions as closely as possible but due to a family birthday dinner last night, I might not start off on the best foot.

In order to gauge the effect the cleanse has on my system, I thought it would be prudent to keep track of as much personal health information as possible. Although I doubt three days can make a real difference in overall health, I'll report back with any significant changes on Day 3.

This cleanse should be a hilarious experience but I know if I feel sick or "off" at any point, I can and will stop. I'll listen to my body. So without further ado...

Cheers!

I Tried a Juice Cleanse

I tried a juice cleanse for work and I've been blogging about it all week. It totally put a damper on my social life (you can't really go out with friends for dinners or happy hours when you're drinking bottles of beet juice) so I've got nothing else interesting to write about. No major life drama. So, I thought I'd re-post my work blogs here for a new audience!

You can also read about it here: 365 Days of Wellness.