Who's the Other Woman - Me or You?

Hello there. We've never met, but I hated you once.

You’re like me, but better. All those important feminine features you’ve got are undeniably superior to mine.

Your hair is long and shiny, and not only in your going out photos, but in casual, everyday pics too.

Your arms look starving-model-skinny from every angle – not just the shots where you put your hand on your hip and jut out your collarbone.

You have dark hair and dark eyes and a smattering of freckles just like me, but on you it all comes together in an edgy, smoky tableau of hipster awesomeness.

And somehow you’ve mastered that sultry “I’m-gonna-suck-your-d” look without coming across as a whore. I’m impressed. You’ve got me beat.

He never told me about you, so I assumed he was mine...

THEN I found out you existed. And it’s just oh-so-clear he has a “type”. Laughable, really. I mean, look at us.

While you were moving and then job hunting and ultimately achieving greatness in Palo Alto, he xanaxed his way through a pseudo-relationship in DC.

DID YOU KNOW THAT? Would you want to know? Has he uttered my name even once?

Our six degrees of separation have ruinously collided, leaving us unfortunately intertwined, side-by-side, bed partners and kissing sisters. Zero degrees.

10 Characteristics of My Anti-Dream Guy

1. Visible earwax. You’d be surprised how many guys haven’t figured out that this is a crucial part of general hygiene. I don’t care how you deal with it, just deal with it.

2. Dandruff. Head and Shoulders shampoo works wonders (or consult your physician today!). Oily white flakes make me gag.

3. Dirty teeth. Brush them. Even if you’re convinced you never have bad breath, brush your teeth. If I see sticky plaque build-up or food stuck for hours, you’re dunzo.

4. Poor grammar. Talking, texting, emailing – the medium of conversation is irrelevant. Figure out the difference between “to” “too” and “two” and “their” “there” and “they’re” or you're just going to come off as a dumb hick. Seriously, if you’re a college graduate and you haven’t nailed this down, you’re not worth my time.

5. The anti-texter. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If you like me and you’re compatible with me, you’ll respond to my texts with an appropriate and hopefully humorous message. (FYI I like gifs of animals having sex. Or pooping.)

6. Neck jewelry. A leather rope, a guido gold chain, a cross – Sorry dude, not for me!

7. Moodiness. You’re gregarious and exuberant one moment, sarcastic and sullen the next. DING. NEXT. I can’t deal with ups and downs. I don’t want to be a part of the rollercoaster ride that’s your idea of a Tuesday. Be one person. Preferably a happy one. Bipolar tendencies are exhausting.

8. Closed-mindedness. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. You’re not going to know everything. You will be wrong sometimes. And if you truly believe otherwise, then you’re an arrogant asshole. Buh-bye.

9. Wearer of speedos. Sorry impossibly sexy probably homosexual European beach goers – you are not my cup of tea. Put on a pair of oversized swim trunks like an Amurrrican and we can talk. Otherwise I’m just going to ogle the outline of whatever you’ve shoved into that banana hammock and debate your grow-er/show-er potential in my mind. Not conducive for a lasting relationship.

10. Cheater. Yes, we’ve all done it. Long distance relationships suck. College drama is fun. Make-up sex is the best. Yada yada yada. But come on guys… we’re past that. We are in our twenties now and trying to be better people. And if you’re not, well, go find a girl who doesn’t care where your dick’s been.