5 People You Want To Avoid Eye Contact with on The DC Metro

Despite nearly constant track work, broken escalators, and elevators that occasionally break midway between the ground and the underground, the DC metro can be an efficient way to get around the city. Every time I’m on the train though, I’m struck by the completely bizarre mishmash of randos around me. Maybe it’s because I work from home so I rarely come into contact with other human beings anymore, but riding public transportation at rush hour makes for some excellent people watching.

Here are five of The Usual Suspects you can expect to find on the DC Metro.

The Sick Person
There’s nothing I hate more than sick people. Sick people should stay home, pull the covers over their heads, and sleep until they’re healthy. So, when an otherwise cute girl gets on the metro hacking up chunks of her esophagus, I immediately give her my devil eyes. COVER YOUR MOUTH. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Seriously, why do people think they aren’t gross?

The Aggressive Nose Breather
While most would agree that nose breathers are better than orange-juice-breath mouth breathers, the aggressive nose breather is an all too common sight on the metro. This person is usually male, usually slightly overweight, and usually between the ages of 50 and 70. You may find there is too much of an overly spicy cologne seeping from his pores, gel in his hair, and his face is shaved mostly free of stubble. It’s not uncommon to see the aggressive nose breather with a mint or cherry-scented cough drop rolling around his tongue - possibly causing the noisy exit of air from his nasal cavity. Phfff. Phhhhf.

The New York Girl 
DC is an important city but we are not a cool city. Well, I mean, I kind of think we’re cool, but my friends who visit from bigger cities tell me otherwise. Of course, New York girl is a regular public transit-er. She usually sports a look of sheer disdain for the humdrum DC world around her and she is decked out in outfits meant for a very different environment. In DC, it is sensible to wear flats. It is sensible to wear a warm coat in the wintertime. It is sensible to put on your Ann Taylor suit separates, smear chapstick on your lips, and run a comb through your wet hair before you head to your very dull non-profit job on 16th street. New York girl ignores what is sensible in this city. Her stilettos add five inches of height and five spoonfuls of “I don’t belong here”. Her overly glossy lips scream “LOOK AT THIS PERFECT POUT I DON’T BELONG HERE”. Her keratin sleek locks say to DC girls “your hair is frizzy mine is not so clearly I don't belong here.”

The He/She 
You know that large, sexually ambiguous person who gets on the metro and immediately sits down next to you, wedging you up against the sticky window? Yeah you do. Well, is it a guy? Is it a girl? Those are boobs, right? But, you could almost swear that is some legit stubble under his/her chin. Wait, maybe it’s man boobs? No… it looks like he/she’s rocking some hips too. Hold up. Time to check for the adam’s apple. Oh. Of course – there’s a gender-neutral scarf wrapped around the base of their neck completely obscuring the one little bit of proof that might indicate their sex (barring the sight of an actual reproductive organ). Meh – whatever. You’ll try not to stare and just assume it’s someone “in transition”.

The Lone Child
It’s like – are you four? Are you eleven? Where are your parents? No matter the time of day, it’s almost a guarantee that you’ll spot a small, seemingly parent-less child wandering the train. If you weren’t super stressed on your morning commute, you’d stop and ask if they needed help but you just don’t have time for other people right now. You have the Express to skim and a latte to finish before your stop.

#WMATA

The Worst Part about a Break-Up (and a mini rave about Girls)

I love Girls so much. And not in the lesbian way (not that there's anything wrong with that...) but in the can't get enough of Lena Dunham and her quirky brilliance kind of way. If there are any mid-20-year-old girls currently living in a major city who don't find this show appealing, you're crazy.

In general, I'm not the most opinionated person, but I can honestly say I LOVE THIS SHOW. There have been some complaints about the white-ness of it (literally not a single black/brown/asian person in any of the 8 episodes so far), but for people like me (sorry, I'm white and privileged) the show really hits home.

It does a good job of highlighting how trivial 20-something's problems are without being condescending. One character, Marnie, breaks up with her boyfriend of four years and spends the next few episodes moping around and wallowing in her misery. She is really, really sad even though it was HER decision to break up with the guy.

I can completely relate to this. Just because you don't want to be with someone anymore doesn't mean you don't feel sad about being alone. Marnie had a constant companion and built-in best friend for four years. Losing that is like losing a family member. Or a limb. Or something equally monumental. When the ex-bf shows up at a party two weeks after the break-up with a tiny, new, adorable girlfriend, Marnie is crushed. Partly because the girl is cute and it's clear the boyfriend has moved on, but partly because she wanted to beat him to the punch.

When you're the breaker-upper, you usually assume you'll be the first to re-find happiness. When that doesn't happen it's confusing.

Break-ups completely suck. That's easy enough to conclude, but lately I've been thinking what's so terrible about them isn't losing a boyfriend. It's losing the friendship you created with someone over the time you spent together.

And even if you can truly be friends with an ex, it's never the same. You will never be as important to each other as you once were. And to me, that's the saddest part about it. Becoming less important to someone who was, at one time, the biggest part of your life.