You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Blog is About You (Ha!)

When it rains, it pours.

It’s odd how you can feel like such a cookie cutter cliché of a lonely, single girl one day and then suddenly it’s like you’re fighting guys off left and right, scheduling back-to-back date nights, and surreptitiously replying to texts from potential love interests under the table mid-way through Sunday night dinner with your parents.

All of a sudden, you’re giving off some sexed-up, “you can’t have me” vibe and people sense you’re a hot commodity. While just a day earlier you would’ve pictured yourself grocery shopping and folding laundry on Sunday afternoon, instead you find yourself happily ignoring Nicholas Cage movies while a guy plants kisses on the nape of your neck.

…And then the Texts from Boyfriends Past start pouring in.

Almost as if they have some kind of radar that notifies them when they are slowly being forgotten about; the sexts, the awkward comments, the four consecutive ichat bubbles about unimportant nothingness. These were the texts I desperately needed three days ago when I wanted some reminder that I was missed – that I mattered. But my phone was obnoxiously silent. Until now, of course. Until I couldn’t care less.

I’ve never thought of myself as the type who needed “closure”.  I always liked the idea of being friends with an ex. But now, I’m doubtful. Why hold on to someone who didn’t treat you the way you deserved? Even if the split itself was amicable enough it doesn’t mean you need the toxic emotional angst that can accompany prolonged contact with an old flame.

Just let me be happy.

Five Lies My Parents Told Me

1. Sex. 
When I was little, I asked my parents what sex was after I heard my friend shout the word at the top of his lungs one day on the playground. My mom took me aside and explained that sex was a very special kiss between mommies and daddies that felt wonderful and made babies so that's why people did it. Well, imagine my surprise when I discovered it was a hell of a lot grosser than kissing, usually felt pretty mediocre, and rarely happened between mommies and daddies. In fact, that's probably the most overused joke in today's shitty sitcoms. Sorry honey, not tonight - cue the laugh track, bah dum, cha!

2. You can be anything you want to be. 
This one is a constant source of frustration for me. Yes, when you're young you can be anything you want to be and I wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. But then, once you hit puberty, you literally, physically cannot become an Olympic gymnast anymore. Like, you go to the Olympics when you're 12, you don't begin training then. So here I am, 24 and completely disillusioned by the parents who led me to believe I could pursue any dream at any time. I didn't realize there was a time limit to my dreams!! Now I'm obviously too old to be anything I want to be. Also! When I was a kid, I didn't understand that people were different races. I coveted my neighborhood friend's dark skin and wanted to be just like her. I now realize I will never be a black person. I mean, I guess I could try to tan my way to bronzed hotness, but I'd probably just wind up with a giant freckle blob and then peel. Gross. I guess I'm stuck being white for life. Thanks a lot, MOM.

3. You are beautiful. 
My parents always told me I was beautiful because I was a very cute child and it was a nice thing to say absentmindedly while tucking me in at night. Today, I realize I am not. There is a pretty obvious distinction between beauty and cuteness - a concept that current culture ensures is drilled into the minds of everyone with an X chromosome. Beauty is Frida Pinto. Beauty is Penelope Cruz. Beauty is Mila Kunis. Cute is freckles. Cute is round cheeks. Cute is me. I've come to terms with this now that I'm in my 20's and frequently mistaken for a 14-year-old, but it took some serious hits to my ego to knock me down a few pegs. I pretty much spent the better part of a decade thinking I was way hotter than I was. Awkward.

4. Santa is real. 
This is probably the most pervasive lie that parents in America tell their children. I grew up sort of non-Christian bordering on Jewish and celebrated Hanukkah from time to time so it's not like my parents had any obligation to go along with the elaborate lie of Christmas. I would have been perfectly happy receiving my gifts like any other normal child without the fantastical tale of a fat guy in a red suit lording over his elfin sweatshop. I don't even remember exactly when I discovered the truth about this holiday, but I don't recall being particularly upset. If anything, I just felt a little betrayed that mom and dad didn't think they could be real with me. Besides, I definitely didn't care about Santa as long as the tooth fairy was real. (I found $4 on my bedside table after I got my wisdom teeth taken out last year which I accept as substantial proof that she exists.)

5. He's only mean to you because he likes you. 
Yeah....he was mean to me because he actually hated me. Like, we were not friends. Oh and this carries over to grown-up life too. When guys are assholes, it's not because they have a crush on you. It's because they don’t want to sleep with you. Message received.

Day 3 on a Juice Cleanse

It’s amazing what a difference a day makes! Yesterday I felt drugged, like I ought not to be operating heavy machinery, but today I feel... perfectly normal and alert and great.

My coworkers tell me I’m glowing but I’m dubious because I gave up wearing make-up (and lotion and deodorant, shhh don’t tell!) as part of my personal detoxification regimen. I figured I wasn’t exactly sure how these alleged toxins planned to escape my body so I didn’t want to impede them in any way by plugging up my pores.

Day 3 of the BluePrintCleanse was the best of the whole program. I’m not sure if that’s because I know it’s all over soon, or if I really do feel rejuvenated. I don’t feel hungry, I don’t have a headache, I went to the gym in the morning, AND the juice drinking seems like less of a burden. Green Juice after my workout felt way simpler than making eggs or oatmeal or my other, non-cleanse breakfasts.

Also, I’m down 5 lbs. This is unheard of for me. I assume this is mostly due to water weight but even so, I haven’t seen this number on my scale in months. My stomach also looks much flatter. I took “before pictures” which showed a little belly pooch but this morning when I woke up I had almost an entirely flat midsection. So, from a vanity perspective, the cleanse works…

Two major factors kept me going: 1. the cost of the cleanse (why waste $200 on juices you don’t drink?) and 2. accountability (the very public blogging each day forced me to complete the three-day detox cycle – even when I really wanted to cave). Both of these were crucial for my personal success. I would recommend anyone curious about cleansing to commit to it this way. Tell your friends/family/coworkers/etc what you’re about to do (let them call you crazy – it will inevitably happen) and it will be much harder for you to back out.

A few notable things: My lips didn’t feel chapped at all during the three days (even without my usual chap stick application) which makes me think I was perfectly hydrated throughout. My skin was clear, which is a good sign, but my circulation felt inadequate. My fingers got freezing and turned white after holding a cup filled with ice for just a few minutes.

Overall, I like how very black and white the cleanse is. I never worried “can I eat this?”, “should I eat that?” I just followed directions and drank juices. Not that complicated. Also, there was no prep required on my part (in terms of purchasing fruits and veggies or juicing things myself). I placed an order online and the cleanse arrived on my chosen delivery date. So simple. 

And now that I’m in the home stretch, I’m feeling pretty proud of myself. I can be kind of a Type B, occasional underachiever so the fact that I successfully stuck with this for 3 days is something of a personal triumph.

Day 2 on a Juice Cleanse

Day 2 is undeniably the hardest day of the cleanse because it’s sandwiched in between the first and final day. On Day 1, all the juices were interesting - an experience, if you will - and by Day 3, I imagine I’ll be looking forward to winding down, but Day 2 feels endless.

I slept well (got up twice to use the bathroom but slept soundly from 9 pm – 6:30 am). And headed to the gym for a light workout (about 30 minutes on the elliptical followed by resistance work). I felt a little weak during cardio but powered through and drank plenty of water. When it was time for my oh-so-delicious breakfast (Green Juice) I poured it over ice and drank it as quickly as possible.

My stomach rumbled a bit throughout the morning but I don’t feel starving. I'm not 100% focused (I would not feel comfortable, say, giving a presentation at work right now) but I’m perfectly comfortable and not too cranky. Mostly, I just feel bored. I appreciate not having to think about food, but obviously, eating behaviors are so ingrained in our culture that I just feel anti-social with my juices. I think that’s the most difficult part about this cleanse. If my roommate or friends or coworkers were going through this with me, it would be a lot easier to stay focused on the goal and indifferent towards normal food routines. Without support, it's hard.

Around noon I feel like I’m crashing. Despite the P.A.M. Juice, I’m so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open. It helps to write about it if only to distract myself and give me something to do other than bite my nails or gnaw on the inside of my mouth. I daydream at my desk about going home, getting in bed, and sleeping my way through the next day and a half of this cleanse. Not realistic for those of us with desk jobs but maybe that’s how the celebrities get through it? On to Green Juice Part II now.

My temperature keeps fluctuating. Not sure if that’s typical of a detox but I’m hot then cold then freezing then fine. I keep taking my sweater on and off. Could just be the air in my office, but it seems worse than usual.

Bam. Made it through #4 – Spicy Lemonade. Poured it over ice again and it was actually tasty. My headache got worse though and the fact that there is no end in sight makes me pretty grouchy. Time for beet juice. Wahoo.

C.A.B. Juice is fine. Mostly my body just feels unhappy. My stomach is gurgling weirdly (is it hungry? Is it hurting? Is it confused?) and I have a splitting headache. Day two is every bit as hard as I envisioned. I’m not sure if all this is normal or if I have less willpower than the people who normally do cleanses. This is just a very strange way to go about life. Very isolating.

Sixth and final juice of the day and I’m officially 67% done with this cleanse.  I went for a walk with a friend after work which tired me out so despite how gross the Cashew Milk was on Day 1, I found myself looking forward to it today. Breast milk never tasted so good. My body was craving the thicker, sweeter consistency of Juice 6 and I found that I could almost pretend I was chewing if I let some of the grainier cashew pieces linger near my molars before gulping it down.

My body feels exhausted but sleep comes easily. Can't wait for Day 3. Let's wind this thing down!

Day 1 on a Juice Cleanse

Let's do this journal-style!

Juice 1 (GREEN JUICE) tastes like lemony grassy apple juice. It smells much worse than it tastes. Despite the cute, non-threatening bottle, it’s just so much darn liquid - took me about an hour to get it all down. I put it over ice in a fun, yellow cup so I didn’t have to see just how green it was and the ice kept it cold for the hour-long sipping sesh. Also, the cubes were a much welcomed crunchy treat at the end.

Juice 2 (P.A.M.) is delicious! I’d drink this on a regular day instead of iced tea. It’s a refreshing combo of pineapple, apple, and mint. Unfortunately, it’s also got 45 g of sugar! I know it’s “natural” sugar and not artificially added, but still. That seems like a lot, and just knowing what’s in it makes my teeth feel a bit grimy. (Bathroom break). No seriously, it’s crazy how many trips I’ve taken so far. Before noon I racked up 6 visits down the hall. Really putting a damper on my productivity. Also, feeling a bit unfocused and distracted. Not hungry exactly but not un-hungry. Tired and spacey. My tongue doesn’t feel great after the last juice. Sipping water gives me some relief but it just makes me have to use the restroom and frankly, I’m tired of getting up to pee every ten minutes. Feeling discouraged and haven’t even made it halfway through day 1.

Juice 3 (GREEN JUICE - again!). This one is rough getting through. I’m tired of beverages. Really starting to think of the cleanse thing as a way for celebrities to publicly starve themselves with minimal backlash. I don’t feel “full of energy!” or “glowing!” I feel tired and kind of weak.

Juice 4 (SPICY LEMONADE) has definitely got some zip! It’s surprisingly light and tasty and not too sweet, which I like. I should probably increase my water intake but the juices are so much liquid on their own, the thought of adding a glass of water in between each one seems impossible. At this point in the day, I’ve now made nine trips to the bathroom which I’d say is about triple my usual count. The time spent away from my desk in the restroom though is regained by not taking a lunch break or running across the street to buy snacks. In fact, the only time I’ve been away from my desk today has been bathroom breaks and one neighborhood walk. So maybe I’m being more productive after all. Getting nervous for Juice 5…

Juice 5 (C.A.B) is bright pink! If you like beets, it’s pretty tasty and luckily I LOVE beets but it’s also got a great gingery kick. A pleasant shift from the spicy lemonade. I’m not hungry anymore either. That completely vanished around 4 pm. I feel a tad bit shaky though and my mouth feels weird. I’m not thirsty exactly but my saliva feels different than usual. Kind of a gross thing to notice but it’s the biggest change (besides non-stop bathroom breaks) that I’ve noticed.

Juice 6 (CASHEW MILK) was the drink I was most looking forward to because I'd heard such great things. I'm going to be honest - it tasted like breast milk. Or at least, how I imagine breast milk would taste. I gagged my way through it and only managed to choke it down after putting it over ice and not breathing through my nose (the smell was the worst). I'm not a big milk fan and I'm totally grossed out by soy milk and almond milk so I'm not sure why I thought I'd like this but it just seemed like it would be a nice change of pace. Unfortunately, I was imagining milkshake deliciousness and this was merely sweetish, mucus-y nut water.

Having tried all six juices now, I'm curious which ones will be "favorites" and which ones I'll dread tomorrow. I have to say, the green juice was a lot better than I would have expected (maybe the key to this cleanse is low expectations...) but I'm not exactly looking forward to drinking it for breakfast tomorrow. Maybe if I get hungry enough, it'll start to seem crave-able.

Overall, I'd say it was an exciting first day with many strange feelings and tastes. I feel hungry but not starving. I'm not headache-y, but I was yawning more than usual on my drive home and I crawled into bed around 7:45 pm (with the last of my cashew milk). I'm curious to see how well I'll sleep during the cleanse and if I have energy to wake up and go to the gym as usual.

Oh - and perhaps most interesting... when I weighed myself before bed on Day 1, I was a full pound heavier. Definitely surprising.

More updates tomorrow!

Intro to a Juice Cleanse

Today I kick off my three day cleanse. I opted for the BluePrintCleanse (BPC), Renovation, or Level 1, because this is my first time venturing into the world of juices and I didn’t want to bite off more than I could chew (or sip?)

I’m nervous because, honestly, I don’t really like juice. I know the BPC drinks most likely won’t taste like your average glass of Tropicana, but I’m just not a big fan of beverages other than water.

Also, I love food! Maybe too much. Maybe ten pounds in two years too much. So, one goal of this cleanse is to jumpstart healthier eating habits and keep my total calorie consumption in check (at least for the next couple of days).

I followed the pre-cleanse directions as closely as possible but due to a family birthday dinner last night, I might not start off on the best foot.

In order to gauge the effect the cleanse has on my system, I thought it would be prudent to keep track of as much personal health information as possible. Although I doubt three days can make a real difference in overall health, I'll report back with any significant changes on Day 3.

This cleanse should be a hilarious experience but I know if I feel sick or "off" at any point, I can and will stop. I'll listen to my body. So without further ado...

Cheers!

I Tried a Juice Cleanse

I tried a juice cleanse for work and I've been blogging about it all week. It totally put a damper on my social life (you can't really go out with friends for dinners or happy hours when you're drinking bottles of beet juice) so I've got nothing else interesting to write about. No major life drama. So, I thought I'd re-post my work blogs here for a new audience!

You can also read about it here: 365 Days of Wellness.