Crazy Girls

When I think back to the guys I dated over the years, I know a number of them would probably call me a crazy bitch. I should probably be insulted by this, but ultimately, it just doesn’t bother me. Because it’s true.

It’s not uncommon for a girl to go psycho on the guy she’s dating or fucking or whatever-ing. I just think that when a girl acts crazy, it’s because the guy is making her crazy. He gives her reasons to doubt the relationship. He gives her reasons to feel insecure and unloved. He gives her reasons to come undone. 

Girls, and guys too for that matter, tend not to act insane for no reason whatsoever. I suppose there is the rare person who flips out over literally nothing, but I think that is far more rare than we’ve been led to believe. Rather, as human beings, it's in our best interest to maintain the status quo.

Rocking the boat is usually more effort than it’s worth.

When you have something good, you just want to hold on to it. You don’t want to be suspicious or doubtful or angry. You trust.

Maybe I’ve just never had the chance to trust before. Maybe I’ve never given anyone a reason to trust me. I guess what I’m saying is, it’s pretty fucking sweet when you find it. 

What's YOUR Number?

It frequently comes as a surprise that even the sweetest, dweebiest, nerdiest guys have had considerably more sexual partners than I have. I mean, I’m not that bad to look at and I’m certainly no angel, yet I’ve shown restraint with my lady parts to avoid becoming known as the town slut.

But then I hear these stories, and it’s like, with guys, the more casual, emotionally unattached, and depraved the hook up, the prouder they are.

• Duuuuude I fucked some girl last night (high fives ensue) 

• Duuuuude I think she pissed on our floor (snicker snicker) 

• Duuuuude is she still here..? (looks of horror all around) 

HA HA HA. How is this a thing?

When a girl has a one night stand (or a casual fling or anything remotely “unacceptable”) she instantly wants to undo it. The morning after, heels in hand, she is quick to flee the scene of the crime.

A girl feels the need to rationalize, to justify, to erase.

She wonders - is there a loophole in the system that will allow this guy not to count as a notch on her bedpost?

• Maybe it was just the tip? 

• Maybe he didn’t finish? 

• He wore a condom, right? So it barely even counts... 

The fact that women even feel the need to make such ridiculous (and patently false) justifications is sad.

Why can’t we just screw proudly and not give a damn how many penises are in or around us?

3 Drunk Foods You Should Avoid

First, let me be frank here and say that there are obviously way more than three foods you should steer clear of after a night of heavy drinking*. But, for the sake of time, and to avoid worsening my raging hangover, I’m going to just stick with these for now.

Jumbo Slice 
Unless you want to spend the next morning literally watching zits develop around your mouth and chin, you should avoid the greasy treasure trove that is jumbo slice. I’m not saying it’s not delicious. The salty, chewy, virtually sauce-less blanket of cheese-laden dough seems like the most genius of ideas at 3 am. But it’s not. Your drug-addled brain should not be making dietary decisions that will affect you for the coming weeks. You should particularly avoid this late-night mistake if you have any events coming up, as you can pretty much guarantee your skin will be wrecked, your stomach will be in turmoil, and your muffin top will be muffin-ier for a full seven days post-jumbo slice binge.

Black and Orange Burger
The thing about Black and Orange burger that makes it so hard to avoid, is their business model is set up to encourage late night drunken visits. Their hours are unique in the DC burger business, meaning they’re open until 3 am when the bars close. Brilliance. However, unless you want to spend the morning after boozing cemented to your toilet, it’s probably best to avoid this popular jaunt. Though there’s something magical about those grilled onions…

Amsterdam Falafel 
Nutritionists might actually encourage the drunken fools of Adams Morgan to hit up Amsterdam Falafel because these Mediterranean chickpea treats are likely the healthiest fast food one can find in DC after midnight. However, the pita pockets can be crammed with whatever toppings you find appetizing - and after a long night out, that might be every topping. So now you are essentially using a small piece of pita as the boat to transport tzatziki, hummus, babaganoush, mayo, ketchup, and vinegar-y onions into your mouth. This ungodly combination of sauces will almost certainly make you upchuck falafel into the already puke-strewn streets of Admo. Of course, if you’re fortunate enough to keep your food down, your garlicky, oniony, ketchup burps will likely trigger the gag reflexes of the lucky few located within your immediate vicinity.



*Full Disclosure: I love all these restaurants and frequently consume Jumbo Slice, Black and Orange burgers, and Amsterdam falafel. I’m merely informing DC partiers that they will suffer the consequences if they choose to frequent these DC institutions after 3 am.

Revisionist History

It’s not me, it’s you.

Now I see how I deserve to be treated. Now I see what it’s like to be my own person. Now I see why my friends and family couldn’t, wouldn’t be supportive of you in my life. Honestly, I’m in my mid-twenties and I’m at a point where I can’t be dating wildly inappropriate people anymore. It’s time for all of us to just grow the hell up.

You made me feel inadequate every step of the way, but fortunately I see now how completely deluded you were. I’ve got a lot to offer. And I think on some level you knew that. You knew you had something others wanted. You muted me so you could shine.

Did you mean to hurt me? Did you enjoy watching me unravel? Deliberate, frequent jabs at my hair, my shoes, my cooking. You showed no mercy, taking me down any way you could – persistent, patient. You mocked my defining characteristics. You decimated my quirks. You deflated me. You rendered me as directionless and insignificant as secondhand smoke in urban air.

And the jury is still out as to whether I can ever forgive you. The damage is done and I won’t let myself forget how small you made me feel.

You’ve set the bar - and the only place for me to go is up.

How Google Search Results Sum Up the Difference Between Men and Women

They say men are from Mars and women are from Venus but by they, I mean some pseudo-therapist who made a gajillion dollars in the 90’s by calling himself a relationship counselor and writing a book.

As annoying as the book sounds, it’s true that men and women have their differences. When it comes to things like socializing, money, and football, I sometimes feel like guys are speaking a foreign language. What do you mean you might make fantasy playoffs? What sport are you even talking about? And how does a playoff exist if the whole thing is made up. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE CLUE ME IN.

Anyway, that got me thinking about all the ways guys and girls are different and one thing I kept landing on was online search behavior. When I google, I look at shelter puppies and pinterest and celebrity gossip. What do guys search for? Porn? They probably have all their favorite sites bookmarked by now though, right? Well, here’s how I imagine it might look for the average Jack and Jill.

Ladies: 

• Calories in a Starbucks pumpkin spice latte 
• Pumpkin muffin recipe 
• Calories in pumpkin muffins 
• What to do with leftover canned pumpkin 
• Harry Winston engagement rings 
• Google maps 
• UTI symptoms 
• Ryan Gosling shirtless 

I’d say this list pretty accurately reflects my search queries on a random Tuesday in November. Now for the dudes.

Gentlemen: 

• Two blonde sluts 
• Amateur 
• Spankwire 
• Pornhub 
• Morton’s menu 
• Directions to Morton’s 
• How to unclog a toilet when the plunger won’t work 
• Can I have sex with my girlfriend when she has a UTI? 
• Spankwire 
• Pornhub 
• Amateur 
• Two curvy sluts 

If anyone finds themselves offended by this list and my sweeping generalizations, please feel free to contribute your search results in the comments section below.

3 Socially Awkward Situations that Arise from Working at Home

While there are innumerable perks to working from home, there have been some uber weird moments recently where I’ve been caught off guard by my own ridiculousness. Here are a few that I’ve taken note of in the past month. I’m sure there are about a billion more.

You’re home to greet the maintenance guy. 
While at first this doesn’t sound like a bad thing, when you become buddy buddy with the building janitor it’s all the more awkward when he shows up to plunge your toilet. In my defense, I’ve managed to go three full years without having to call a plumber, so I think my commode was just ripe for a good ol’ clogging. When Carlos showed up at my door, plunger in hand, I sheepishly directed him towards my bathroom mumbling something about my roommate being at fault… But Carlos knew. He knew.

You don’t say words out loud. 
When you’re home alone for days on end, there is no reason to speak unless it’s to answer an errant phone call from your grandmother or shout expletives in reaction to yet another FB engagement announcement. I communicate with my coworkers almost exclusively via email, gchat, and digital chat rooms, so we very rarely say actual words. When I finally experience a form of human interaction (with the local barista or my parents or my roommate) I tend to talk a mile a minute and viciously over share. Tasha – my latte master – has heard the non-abbreviated version of my grandfather’s funeral, my sister’s five-year business plan, and my high school friend’s prenuptial agreement. I just can’t keep words inside when I’m finally given the chance to speak. It’s like explosive word vomit every time I see another person (hmmm maybe that’s what destroyed my toilet…)

It becomes acceptable to not wear clothes until mid-afternoon. 
I don’t really like clothes. Never have. I find them itchy and constricting and unflattering on my figure. If I had a tailor who could fashion me zip-up onesies made entirely from lululemon’s stretchy luon fabric, I’d be much more amenable to staying covered up. But, home alone with no plans other than to write from my couch? Why do I need a bra for that? Who said pants have to be a mandatory garment? The other day I sat in bed wearing nothing but an oversized sweater until 2 pm. TWO PEE EM. I’m not sure if this represents a lowly lowly low or an epic high.

Is this what winning at life feels like?

5 (More) Dating Deal Breakers

Odor
It’s not that I don’t want you to smell bad – which is obviously step one – I also don’t want you to try too hard to smell good. None of that asthma-inducing cologne, please. I can handle a nicely-scented deodorant, but mostly I just want you to smell clean. Like laundry and human skin. Is that too much to ask?

Height
I’m short, so this is a completely unjustified deal breaker for me to have, but I just can’t deal with small guys. Look, I’m sorry. I wish I weren’t this way. It would be a lot easier for me to find my eternal soul mate if I could expand my love network to include those 5 foot 9’ers out there, but ya know what? It’s just not gonna happen.

Non-complimentary
I’m sure you think as a smart, employed, “together” lady, I don’t need to be buttered up with over-the-top praise… but I want it. Tell me I’m beautiful, tell me I’m effortlessly sexy, tell me I look hot in the skin-tight dress I put on with the intention of looking awesome for you, and see where it gets you. Most likely you’ll be taking off said dress.

Too nice
I want a partner-in-crime not a honey bear. I’m generally a nice enough person, but I can be a bitch when someone or something pisses me off. If you’re constantly making me feel bad about my occasional meanness, I don’t want to be around you. So, grow a pair and add some snark to the conversation. If I mention that so-and-so gained 10 lbs, your response had better be “looks more like 20”. Zing!

Wandering eyes
Yes, she has boobs. So do I. Stop mentally undressing every female in your line of sight. If you’re the kind of guy who is constantly and non-subtly checking out every tit that presents itself, I’m going to turn and run the other way - taking my fantastic rack with me. Even if you don’t act on those lustful looks, I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly competing with Girl X who’s shaped like a Barbie doll. Appreciate what you’ve got – me – or don’t be with me at all.