I’m Having a “Who Am I?” Moment

I realize more and more that you can’t please everyone. No matter how hard you try to be the person you think someone else wants you to be, if you’re trying, you’re probably already failing.

These days, I find that, depending on who I’m spending time with, be it my sister, best friend, or boyfriend-of-the-moment, I subconsciously start to mimic those around me.

When I’m with my guy friends, I play the part of the “cool” girl who mocks silly, psycho women who take men too seriously. When I’m with my girl friends, I’m all “guys suck, here’s why” and moan their very existence. Around my parents, I project an image of sweet wholesomeness but then immediately strip that off to morph into an emotionally turbulent 20-something when I’m around those my own age. I’m healthy at work – making vegan lunches and snacking on nuts and seeds, only to chug beer and devour chocolate in the company of those who couldn’t care less about eating well.

And it gets worse.

My laugh will change to resemble the laugh of the person I’m laughing with. My voice will adjust to echo the pitch and timbre of the person I’m talking to. My words and opinions edit and shift to more closely match those of the company I keep.

99% of the time, I’m not even aware that I’m doing these things. But now I realize I regularly abandon pieces of myself and snatch up what I believe to be the best parts of others. In the moment, I never feel like I’m losing my sense of self or aiming to please. It doesn’t feel like I’m projecting “like me like me like me” into the universe, but maybe that's exactly what I'm doing.

Maybe I’ve been like Gretel dropping pieces of myself like breadcrumbs.

Now that I’m aware of this, this continual loss of self, does that make it a crime to continue? Should I be more tuned in to those times when my voice lowers or my laugh quickens? Should I quit it cold turkey? Or, should I just accept that who I am is contingent on those around me?

I think I adjust my demeanor to allow personal relationships room to flourish. I just hope I’m not sabotaging myself in my quest to please.

I don’t want to be the sum of other people’s actions. I want to be who I am based on what I think and what I feel. But sometimes, I’m not even sure what that is anymore.

Three Life Lessons

My grandparents are all pretty old and they’ve done a lot of living. When I make time to fit in a visit or a quickie phone call, these are the three simple life lessons they preach.

Live clean work hard. 
One day at a time. 
It’s not over ‘til it’s over.

My grandparents have a great deal of combined wisdom so I know I should pay attention to what they say because what do I know? Life is still very much without meaning to me, so if octogenarians want to offer tips, I’m all ears.

My grandparents have experienced more love and loss in their lifetimes than I can ever begin to imagine. My DC-grandpa fought in wars and watched close friends die in combat. He suffered from his soulmate’s tragic demise. He remarried only to lose again.  But on Sunday afternoons when I stop by his nursing home with Comet pizza and a slice of chocolate cake, he reminisces joyfully, lingering on only the happy memories.

My grandparents tell me I look like my grandma. They’re not the only ones. Those who see photos remark on the eerily similar countenance and tell me I’m lucky to resemble such a classic beauty. She was too pretty for words so my grandpa says none at all.

My grandparents remind me to live clean and work hard because they know karma will always balance things out.
My grandparents remind me I should take one day at a time because they know, better than I do, that sometimes you don’t get another day.
My grandparents remind me it’s not over ‘til it’s over because they’ve seen endings and beginnings and they know sometimes the end doesn’t look how you expected.