Dunzo.

Some say the opposite of love is indifference, but what about pure, unadulterated hate? What about a blinding desire to literally dismember the person you once might have loved even if you never said it out loud?

What if you want to slap the smarmy, smirking smile off his face with a smack so hard his cheek turns scarlet and your hand sears with heat but it doesn’t matter because the pain is entirely worth it? And he mostly deserves it.

What if you finally (kind of, maybe) understand where Chris Brown was coming from. It’s not his abusive behavior you condone by any means, but rather, you finally recognize the level of bubbling, aching hatred we can feel for other human beings.

And then it turns off like a switch. Just gone. You don’t love, you don’t hate, you don’t care. You’re released from something you didn’t even realize you were still connected to.

It’s over, it’s over, it’s over. Not even this mantra can convey your relief. It sure took a while - certainly longer than you’d like to admit - but all good things must come to an end.

I Just Want to Know What I Want

Today, I feel kind of guilty for writing these pensive-bordering-on-morose entries because I know my life is great and I shouldn’t whine and lots of people would kill for what I’ve got.

To those people who feel the need to remind me how lucky I am, I hear ya. I really do.

I’m just trying to articulate how despite having seemingly everything going for me, I still have plenty of disappointments and concerns and a scarily intangible life plan. My problems might be #whitegirlproblems but that doesn’t make them any less significant to me. I’m not actually comparing my difficulties to serious issues - I recognize that a rough day at work is not on par with global strife, it just hits closer to home.

I get to angst about meaningless issues because I have no real ones to stress about. It's a privilege.

I’m not hungry or homeless or in debt. I’m not unemployed or friendless. I’m not addicted to drugs or dying of diseases. I have a lovely life. And I’m grateful. I am. I just know that there’s more than this and I’m not sure if I can wait for whatever that is or if I have to actively seek it out. And where does one start looking...?

I’m acutely aware of time passing me by and I want – I really, really want – to slow it down so I can focus on what makes me over-the-moon-happy and then pursue that. I spend so much time worrying about what’s less-than-perfect in my life that I don’t have time to sit down and figure out how to maximize the goods and minimize the bads.

Before I can get what I want, I need to figure out exactly what that is. And for some reason, no matter how many lists I start and then abandon in the notes section of my iphone, it continues to elude me.

Today, my only want is to know what I want.