You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Blog is About You (Ha!)

When it rains, it pours.

It’s odd how you can feel like such a cookie cutter cliché of a lonely, single girl one day and then suddenly it’s like you’re fighting guys off left and right, scheduling back-to-back date nights, and surreptitiously replying to texts from potential love interests under the table mid-way through Sunday night dinner with your parents.

All of a sudden, you’re giving off some sexed-up, “you can’t have me” vibe and people sense you’re a hot commodity. While just a day earlier you would’ve pictured yourself grocery shopping and folding laundry on Sunday afternoon, instead you find yourself happily ignoring Nicholas Cage movies while a guy plants kisses on the nape of your neck.

…And then the Texts from Boyfriends Past start pouring in.

Almost as if they have some kind of radar that notifies them when they are slowly being forgotten about; the sexts, the awkward comments, the four consecutive ichat bubbles about unimportant nothingness. These were the texts I desperately needed three days ago when I wanted some reminder that I was missed – that I mattered. But my phone was obnoxiously silent. Until now, of course. Until I couldn’t care less.

I’ve never thought of myself as the type who needed “closure”.  I always liked the idea of being friends with an ex. But now, I’m doubtful. Why hold on to someone who didn’t treat you the way you deserved? Even if the split itself was amicable enough it doesn’t mean you need the toxic emotional angst that can accompany prolonged contact with an old flame.

Just let me be happy.

Seeing an Ex

When you break up with me, I like to think you cease to exist. It’s not like I want you to die or anything (I swear, I don’t) but it would be nice if we didn’t have to share the planet let alone this tiny city.

I was tipsy when I passed you on the street last night, and you caught me completely off guard. You were smiling, relaxed, enjoying the company of the girl you were obviously on a date with and it felt offensive and unfair and insulting.

I get that we weren’t really a couple. I get that we had virtually nothing in common. And I certainly understand that I am belaboring a point here and clearly have spent far more time analyzing our non-relationship than is appropriate for the quantity and quality of time we spent together but aghhhh.

Without you, I’m so bored I’ve resurrected all of my drawsomething games. I’m cooking elaborate four course dinners for myself. I’m making one-woman acoustic music videos personalized for each of my non-DC friends.

I have TOO much time on my hands and it’s pathetic. I mean, I guess I’m doing things I like to do, and I’m obviously improving my skills in the kitchen, but it seems like I’m just biding my time until I can fill it with someone else. You might have found ways to occupy yourself – as you made evident on your annoyingly adorable dinner date – but I don’t want to witness how you spend your time now that it’s not being spent with me.

I’d really like you to move so I don’t ever have to think about you again. K, thanks, bye.

The Worst Part about a Break-Up (and a mini rave about Girls)

I love Girls so much. And not in the lesbian way (not that there's anything wrong with that...) but in the can't get enough of Lena Dunham and her quirky brilliance kind of way. If there are any mid-20-year-old girls currently living in a major city who don't find this show appealing, you're crazy.

In general, I'm not the most opinionated person, but I can honestly say I LOVE THIS SHOW. There have been some complaints about the white-ness of it (literally not a single black/brown/asian person in any of the 8 episodes so far), but for people like me (sorry, I'm white and privileged) the show really hits home.

It does a good job of highlighting how trivial 20-something's problems are without being condescending. One character, Marnie, breaks up with her boyfriend of four years and spends the next few episodes moping around and wallowing in her misery. She is really, really sad even though it was HER decision to break up with the guy.

I can completely relate to this. Just because you don't want to be with someone anymore doesn't mean you don't feel sad about being alone. Marnie had a constant companion and built-in best friend for four years. Losing that is like losing a family member. Or a limb. Or something equally monumental. When the ex-bf shows up at a party two weeks after the break-up with a tiny, new, adorable girlfriend, Marnie is crushed. Partly because the girl is cute and it's clear the boyfriend has moved on, but partly because she wanted to beat him to the punch.

When you're the breaker-upper, you usually assume you'll be the first to re-find happiness. When that doesn't happen it's confusing.

Break-ups completely suck. That's easy enough to conclude, but lately I've been thinking what's so terrible about them isn't losing a boyfriend. It's losing the friendship you created with someone over the time you spent together.

And even if you can truly be friends with an ex, it's never the same. You will never be as important to each other as you once were. And to me, that's the saddest part about it. Becoming less important to someone who was, at one time, the biggest part of your life.