My Dream Guy Criteria - 20's Edition

Do you have a Dream Guy? And I don’t mean Ryan Gosling or Wentworth Miller (look him up, I call dibs), but do you have a hypothetical perfect guy pieced together with the best parts of every man you've ever known? I do.

These days, my list is pretty fluid (Thanks DC for my ever-plummeting standards) but when I was younger, I had pages upon pages of “ideal husband” material I was convinced I couldn’t live without.

Today, I stumbled upon an old journal entry listing my dream guy criteria from when I was 12 and I realized... not much has changed. I still want funny and smart and kind and tall, but I do feel like I need to edit it to eliminate the superficial items (tween me was adamant about finding a man with light eyes…today I’ll settle for brown) and add the newly important (good grammar – absolute must).

My dream guy and I better have some intense textual chemistry. I want funny, offensive, frequent text banter and I want it now. If I send something hilariously awesome, I better not get an “LOL” in response. In fact, “lol” in any forum is grounds for me never talking to you again. True story.

I also don’t want text updates detailing every mundane second of your day. I don’t care about your dentist appointment. I don't care about the weather. I want your droll observations about the randos pretentiously reading The Economist on their way to work. Or I want a link to your favorite overly attached gf meme on reddit. Is that too much to ask?

Is texting incompatibility a deal breaker? For me, yes. Here’s why: I see it as an indicator of life compatibility. Why would I want to be with someone who judges me for texting an inordinate amount when I have a lot to say? Or why would I want to be bombarded with boring updates I don't even want to read? Social connectivity via tech devices obviously isn't going away, so it's really just another medium for establishing and nurturing a relationship.

If you're not on my level, it's not gonna work.

Texting with Boys

I feel validated. And yes, it’s because of a man. Sorry feminists.

He’s a stranger in theory. A stranger who I locked lips with because we felt like it. Because why not? He reminded me of that blonde guy from Sweet Home Alabama minus the southern accent. Or maybe he had one? I don’t remember – we didn’t talk much. And that was that.

But then what? A few errant texts. A lot of nothingness thumbed between phones. I got antsy. I wanted more. And didn’t want to be forgotten or ignored. So I made my move.

Despite carefully crafting my text to sound casual and cool, I still regretted it the instant I pressed send. I watched the little blue thought bubble appear in our chat, feeling anxious and stupid and unsure of myself. I felt rejected before I was even rejected because I seemed crazy. He’d sent all oneliners and I respond with a six line chunk of text (that's practically a novel in iphone world!) asking him out on a date?!? Who does that? Crazy girls. Crazy girls do that.

But then. Then! That glorious ellipsis. Oh thank you iphone for letting me know instantly that this stranger slash new friend has received my message and chosen to respond. It’s so painfully pathetic of me to watch and wait and watch and wait but still. It came! The "yes". The "of course". The "you’re-silly-I-was-going-to-ask-you-but-you-beat-me-to-it" text. All the best words combined together in the best sentence reaffirming my desirability. I was good enough to kiss, but this, this is better. This says I’m good enough to have a conversation with. I’m good enough to go out with. I'm worth getting to know beyond the taste of my strawberry chapstick.

I know, I know. I shouldn’t need some silly boy to remind me of my worth, but sometimes, it's just that simple.