5 (More) Dating Deal Breakers

Odor
It’s not that I don’t want you to smell bad – which is obviously step one – I also don’t want you to try too hard to smell good. None of that asthma-inducing cologne, please. I can handle a nicely-scented deodorant, but mostly I just want you to smell clean. Like laundry and human skin. Is that too much to ask?

Height
I’m short, so this is a completely unjustified deal breaker for me to have, but I just can’t deal with small guys. Look, I’m sorry. I wish I weren’t this way. It would be a lot easier for me to find my eternal soul mate if I could expand my love network to include those 5 foot 9’ers out there, but ya know what? It’s just not gonna happen.

Non-complimentary
I’m sure you think as a smart, employed, “together” lady, I don’t need to be buttered up with over-the-top praise… but I want it. Tell me I’m beautiful, tell me I’m effortlessly sexy, tell me I look hot in the skin-tight dress I put on with the intention of looking awesome for you, and see where it gets you. Most likely you’ll be taking off said dress.

Too nice
I want a partner-in-crime not a honey bear. I’m generally a nice enough person, but I can be a bitch when someone or something pisses me off. If you’re constantly making me feel bad about my occasional meanness, I don’t want to be around you. So, grow a pair and add some snark to the conversation. If I mention that so-and-so gained 10 lbs, your response had better be “looks more like 20”. Zing!

Wandering eyes
Yes, she has boobs. So do I. Stop mentally undressing every female in your line of sight. If you’re the kind of guy who is constantly and non-subtly checking out every tit that presents itself, I’m going to turn and run the other way - taking my fantastic rack with me. Even if you don’t act on those lustful looks, I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly competing with Girl X who’s shaped like a Barbie doll. Appreciate what you’ve got – me – or don’t be with me at all.

4 Scenarios I Imagine When You Don't Text Back

When you don’t text me back right away, I play it cool like I don’t even care. I’m all, whatever, he really likes me, it doesn’t mean anything. A little later and still no text, I’m like, ugh I have better people to be texting anywayyy. But when a few hours go by and I still don’t get a reply, four very specific scenarios go through my mind.

1. You discovered your soul mate in that weird java coding class you take on Wednesdays and you’ve swept her away to Las Vegas to consummate your love. Your phone is, of course, turned off on the airplane and reception in casino chapels is always patchy – thus creating low odds I’ll get a text back.

2. You took a shortcut through an alley on your way home from the office only to be roughed up by thugs, robbed, shanked, and left for dead. Crimson blood pours from your eyes and ears and your mangled, broken arms make it impossible to reach into your pocket for your phone. As you slip in and out of consciousness, you can only murmur Kaaa... Kaaa... in the hopes that Siri might hear your grief and place your call sans touch.

3. You have been personally invited to lead the President of the United States on a midnight Segway tour through the pentagon. Your swanky department of defense job paired with your talent for tour-giving makes you the perfect guide for POTUS to become reacquainted with the building and its slippery hallways. You’d reply, but you don’t want to offend the prezzie or anything. Plus, it’s kind of hard to text from a Segway. They have a delicate equilibrium you wouldn’t want to disrupt with frenzied thumb-tapping.

 4. I stole your charger last night to plug in my phone so yours died at work today. You make it home safe and sound with every intention of charging your mobile device, but the beer in the fridge is calling your name and the lean cuisine in your freezer isn’t going to microwave itself, so you toss your phone on the bed and go about your evening like a normal person. You heat up dinner, open an IPA, turn on ESPN, and forget about the fact that there’s a girl 2.2 miles away who maybe wants reassurance that you’re not dead in an alley or exchanging vows in an Elvis chapel.

The 6 Types of Guys You Date In Between the Good Ones

There were a few men who entered my life briefly since the demise of my last Big Relationship. Then, I found You.

I’ve dubbed these fellows: "The In-Betweeners”.

1. Ugly boy – Ugly boy happens right after a big break up. He’s just there. He’s available and persistent and desperate for vagina. Ugly boy has the intriguing effect of making you feel ugly too. Rather than feeling more attractive in comparison to him, he has the unique ability of pulling you down to his level. Not a keeper.

2. Racist boy – Racist boy is the quintessential southern republican. Of course, there’s no way of knowing such insanity lurks behind those baby blues when he buys you a drink Saturday night, but when he makes a disparaging comment about your heritage between sips of $1 Bud Light the following Thursday, it’s clear it’s time to leave.

3. Pretty boy – Pretty boy is pretty and not much else. End of story.

4. Boring boy – Boring boy (also known as “perfect on paper” boy) is cute and successful and polite and nice enough, but utterly, mind-numbingly dull. He’s the reason you got sloshed on a Tuesday. Apparently, the secret to withstanding more than 20 minutes of Boring boy is Sangria. Who knew?

5. Jobless boy – Jobless boy is always the life of the party. He’s available to do WHATever whenever because he’s unemployed and up for anything! His enthusiasm is contagious and makes you want to quit your job and travel the world. But then the money runs out. He’s stuck at home and you’re stuck with him.

6. Apathetic Jewish boy – Apathetic Jewish boy is intelligent, interesting, and handsome. He’s passionate about his government job and comes off earnest and caring to friends and family. He’s husband material. Until you learn he likes to numb himself with Valium and ejaculate on your tits.

What Women Really Want from Men

So... what do you all think about this? Offensive? Funny? Spot-on?

Just saw it on a dating site and it cracked me up. I love the first part about women 21-25 wanting a guy who's the "Total Package". What? Like, women who hit 26 suddenly stop having standards and will settle for anything?

I guess it really comes down to priorities. When you're 22 and have no money, you won't hold it against a guy if he's dirt poor too. But, if you're 30 and have your shit together, you expect the same from a boyfriend.

Anyway, check out this infographic and let me know what you think in the comments!


Sugardaddie.com – A Millionaire Dating Site

My Dream Guy Criteria - 20's Edition

Do you have a Dream Guy? And I don’t mean Ryan Gosling or Wentworth Miller (look him up, I call dibs), but do you have a hypothetical perfect guy pieced together with the best parts of every man you've ever known? I do.

These days, my list is pretty fluid (Thanks DC for my ever-plummeting standards) but when I was younger, I had pages upon pages of “ideal husband” material I was convinced I couldn’t live without.

Today, I stumbled upon an old journal entry listing my dream guy criteria from when I was 12 and I realized... not much has changed. I still want funny and smart and kind and tall, but I do feel like I need to edit it to eliminate the superficial items (tween me was adamant about finding a man with light eyes…today I’ll settle for brown) and add the newly important (good grammar – absolute must).

My dream guy and I better have some intense textual chemistry. I want funny, offensive, frequent text banter and I want it now. If I send something hilariously awesome, I better not get an “LOL” in response. In fact, “lol” in any forum is grounds for me never talking to you again. True story.

I also don’t want text updates detailing every mundane second of your day. I don’t care about your dentist appointment. I don't care about the weather. I want your droll observations about the randos pretentiously reading The Economist on their way to work. Or I want a link to your favorite overly attached gf meme on reddit. Is that too much to ask?

Is texting incompatibility a deal breaker? For me, yes. Here’s why: I see it as an indicator of life compatibility. Why would I want to be with someone who judges me for texting an inordinate amount when I have a lot to say? Or why would I want to be bombarded with boring updates I don't even want to read? Social connectivity via tech devices obviously isn't going away, so it's really just another medium for establishing and nurturing a relationship.

If you're not on my level, it's not gonna work.

The Early Stages of Dating

When you first start seeing someone, everything is rosy and good and nothing is dark and bad, and there are no tears or drama or jealousy. It’s the lovely, simple time before you even have your own feelings figured out.

You don’t want to seem needy and clingy and overly-attached, but suddenly all your friends seem lackluster and your new beau is the zenith of all that is fun and amazing in the universe and you just want to non-creepily spend every spare second in their company. So you make plans. First it’s happy hour, then food, then maybe a movie. Then it becomes all these inane activities. Let’s go rock climbing, let’s try trapezing. Ever hiked in the Shenandoah’s? LET’S DO IT.

Because when a relationship is first getting off the ground, you’re hopelessly reliant on organized activities to give your time together some structure. The gist of the plan is essentially meaningless, but there’s an unwritten rule that you’ve got to have one. Both parties must at least pretend there's an underlying reason for meeting up besides possibly wanting to exchange DNA.

So the Big Date is scheduled and details confirmed but fro-yo becomes dinner which turns into drinks which leads to morning coffee and suddenly you’ve powered through all the classic date night activities in a single whirlwind evening and you find yourself sprawled on a couch watching re-runs of sitcoms wishing you’d spaced things out just a little bit better. It’s like speed dating except with one person instead of a roomful of singles.

And now things aren't rosy and good or dark and bad but some kind of murky pinkish middle ground.

Is this (just) real life?

Boyfriends and Bus Routes

Romantic encounters have exposed me to my city in an entirely new way. I’ve ventured to happy hours uptown, apartments downtown, bedrooms in northeast, and showers in southeast. I’ve traveled by car and bus and train. I’ve brunched on shake shack burgers at 10 am, inhaled greasy jumbo slices at 11 pm. Waffles on Sundays, bagels on Mondays. Barhopping and bedhopping and headaches and mucky morning mouths.

It occurred to me the other day that dating is the best way to get familiar with a city. It’s kind of like attaining fluency in a foreign language by becoming romantically involved with a local. Pillow talk has a way of improving one’s vocabulary…

Growing up in my northwest bubble did little to prepare me for the quirks of DC’s remaining quadrants, so the past few years have been particularly eye-opening. When I first moved back after school, I felt like a clueless tourist following my friends onto different modes of public transportation. I was bewildered, but they knew what was up.

Now, in the throes of post-college, single life, I finally feel like I have a sense of DC’s neighborhoods. Cross-city commuting can be viciously stressful when improperly executed, so mastering WMATA is really just a sensible hook-up strategy.

In school, it's all so easy. Everyone worth kissing is a stone's throw away. In the real world, the cute guys are often geographically undesirable. But here's my advice: Ride the bus. Get to know your city. Use a condom.

What Would Your Mother Have to Say About This?

I like you. You’re an asshole. I’d like to have a chat with your mother.

I swear I’ve had these consecutive thoughts more times than I can count. What is WRONG with men in their twenties!?

It seems like every time someone comes along who is mildly entertaining, not brain dead, and knows how to take a shower, they feel entitled to behave like inconsiderate, egomaniacal jerks. I’m pretty sure this is a symptom of helicopter parents and/or the facebook “like” button. I mean, if a guy updates his status to something involving a burrito and gets ten likes and somewhere between one and three supportive comments, he’s obviously going to have a false sense of self.

So, allow me to enlighten you. YOU ARE NOT THAT GREAT.

A few loves ago, a guy ended things between us over the phone with this line: “I thought hanging out with you would be better than nothing but uhh…” Now, imagine my dumbfounded reaction. (Yes, he’s not-so-subtly informing me that time spent in my presence has become worse than nothing).

I can’t take it anymore.

What would his MOTHER have to say about this??

I am a nice, smart, thoughtful girl with a job. I live in a gorgeous apartment that I can actually afford in a fun neighborhood and I live with a roommate who is normal and non-creepy. I know these aren’t the only dating-qualifiers out there but, come on, I should be a catch.

So why do males feel like they can treat me like I’m less of a person than they are? Too many times now, I’ve found myself thinking, “If he were my son, I’d be mortified,” or “I’d send my kid to a therapist if he ever spoke to a girl this way,” or “my son would never do something like that.” I know that deep down these are nice boys from good families who don’t mean to be mean but then… they are.

A word of advice to guys out there. Think twice before you say something hurtful to a lady. Imagine a future generation of men saying the same thing to your precious, beautiful perfect daughter… if the sentence you’re about to utter would make future-you want to punch present-you in the face, there’s your clue to hit mute.

I Wish I Were a Crazyyyyy Girl

Am I TOO normal?

I've always kind of pictured myself as the girl-next-door type. Someone laid back and easy going who's cute enough to show off to your friends and sweet enough to bring home to your mom, but lately I've been feeling like maybe that's a bad thing.

Watching some of the girls around me, I'm amazed by what some of them get away with - and how guys don't even bat an eye at their appalling behavior.

I've watched girls go ape-shit crazy on their bf's over the stupidest things ("you emailed your ex-gf something totally harmless and non-romantic?????!! We're DONE!!") and the guy quickly apologizes and backs down and pledges his undying love for crazy betch.

Or, when some girls feel sick and demand to be taken care of and pampered and brought soup and comfort food, and guilt their boyfriends into taking a sick day too so they can properly take care of them. And guys seem to eat this up. They want to swoop in and save the day.  They want to feel needed and appreciated. I guess in the modern world of dating, bringing tea to a vomming girlfriend is one way to achieve that?

Sometimes (and here's the cliched situation that we all know too well) girls take hours to get ready for a night out. They agonize over the perfect outfit, trying on option after option. They shower and blow out their hair and do a full face of make-up and nails and toes and self-tanner and perfect their appearance from head to toe. And their boyfriends patiently wait because if it takes the girl two hours to look hot - it's worth the wait? I WOULD NEVER DO THAT. You'd think guys would want a low maintenance girl but it seems like they prefer someone they have to work to maintain.

Guys put up with SO MUCH BS from girls on a regular basis and it shocks me. Why do males endure the crazies? Do they stick it out because they're in love? Or because it's easier to stay with someone and all their issues than it is to turn around and start over with someone new? Do hormones and brain chemistry keep them tied to these girls?

All I can say is...watching the relationships around me, it makes me want to be a controlling, psychotic, over-emotional, high maintenance girl just so I can get some god damn attention.

Expiration Dating

It’s easy to offer sound, rational advice to love-struck peers, but as soon as your own heart is hit with a meat mallet, it’s impossible to see things clearly. Leaving Chicago was one of the most traumatizing events of my life. I left behind the college version of myself I’d grown to know so well but I also forced myself to turn my back on a relationship that I thought was The Relationship. Looking back, I chuckle to think I could have ended up with a tattooed college athlete with diamonds in his ears, but when you’re in it, it’s so easy to get wrapped up in what you have. I was so overwhelmed by the good stuff and so blind to the obviously bad.

Once in DC, I made a life for me. A Kat life. I tried so hard not to be a pushover and to do the things that made ME happy, but even living just for me, it was hard not to want someone to be with. I like when guys dote on me. I like having a built-in friend, companion, and travel buddy. Everything is more fun when a boyfriend comes along. Social situations are less stressful, life feels safer, and I’m happy waking up next to someone I care about.

So with G leaving DC for good, I’ve had to adjust to “expiration dating”. We are still a couple in the truest sense of the word (we go out, hang out, don’t date other people, etc) but there is a finality to it that I haven’t experienced before. I know with absolute clarity I want to get married and be a mom, so what am I doing with him? Why am I wasting these weeks hanging out with G when I could be breaking up, moving on, and meeting someone new? Why am I emotionally torturing myself? I tend to cling to the status quo, happy and complacent with things just the way they are, so maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s why I’m willing to hold on to something that will never be more than what it is now.

Or maybe, sadly, pathetically, I’m clinging because I feel like I might change his mind in the next 10 days. I know it’s hopeless (I’ve spoken to him about it) but I don’t WANT it to be hopeless.

The craziest part is I know on some level we aren’t even right for each other. True, we are compatible in seemingly obvious ways, and bring out good sides of each other in certain situations, but I’m outdoorsy and active in a way he never will be and his love of fantasy sports and late nights is something I’ll never entirely understand.

So, as the expiration date on my expiration dating comes closer, I guess I’ll just have to focus on what makes ME happy. A friend recently told me, do what you love and you’ll find it.

So simple. So perfect.

The Economics of Dating

My roommate R recently broke up with her boyfriend of three years and has been quick to re-enter the dating world. She started seeing a guy at work, M, who has a history of casual hook-ups and one night stands. Unprompted, he offered up a number around 50. If you catch my drift.

When I see them together, he seems sweet and doting and not at all the sleazy dirt bag I pictured when she first divulged his dating history. They spend hours and hours together and never seem to tire of laughing and talking and enjoying each others company. And I like him. He's a nice guy. He's smart and genuine and affectionate towards her - even when others are around - and he seems completely enamored with her.

So, when I told my boyfriend G about their relationship, I was shocked when he calmly said: "I give it six weeks. Tops"

Whatttt?

I didn't understand. How could he be so dismissive of my roommate and her new love? He was belittling their passion by suggesting it was coming to an end within the month.

So he broke it down for me in a little lesson called "relationship economics".

G explained that in econ terms, the past is the best indicator of the future when it comes to a mathematical trend. Of course, statistically, there are always outliers, but on average, if the trend is consistent, odds are, it will continue on that path.

So if M has a history of casually dating girls and ending things within a matter of weeks, odds are, R is NOT the exception to the rule.

I argue that people are not economically sound. We can't determine someone's actions by his past behavior. Yes, it might make sense mathematically to analyze a trend and apply it to the current situation, but when it comes to people and our quirky decision making, I truly believe that no calculations can estimate the value of a human connection.

M's former women might have been dumb or flaky or bad in bed. He might have been immature or sad or searching for something better. G knows virtually nothing about this new boy and yet feels confident predicting the demise of a relationship.

We decided to bet on it. $5 says R and M break up by Memorial Day.

Clearly, I'm a terrible person betting on my friend's relationship but....I've got three weeks to see if I'm out five bucks or a couple dollars richer.